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Dads in Distress: Delivering dad back to his children
Wed, 06/07/2005 - 03:54 — Editor
New Reforms in Australia- Letter from Tony Miller ( DIDS )
Wow, what a few weeks.Parkinson's Taskforce Release of suggested reforms, Four corners, Fatherhood Foundation Conference, The Lonefathers Conference, The Attorney General's Release of suggested reforms. Receiving a beautiful plaque from the Fatherhood Foundation in Parliament House for our dids work.My son telling me he is proud of me, my son telling me he is proud of me, my daughter sending me an email of how wonderful she thinks I am, doing the work I do.That she loves me. That she loves me. Do you here that. That she loves me..My ten year old son left a message on my whiteboard in my office. I (heart) dad so much and he drew a couple of stick figures of him and me. I am an every second weekend dad and I have to tell you I find that tough. So does he. But it's better than some who have none. Of all the things that have happened to me in the past year,those above are the most important.......
29 Jun 2005
Tony Miller
tmil...@nor.com.au
Dads In Distress
I look up at the beautiful glass plague proudly displayed above my computer that I was presented by the Fatherhood Foundation in Parliament House that reads, Presented to Tony Miller In recognition of his leadership & compassion for Australian fathers & families.......You know what, I don't deserve it. I said at the time I accept this award on behalf of all the volunteers that work in this organisation. All the guys who listen on the phones, who man the meetings, who answer the emails, who just by being there and offering a hand up to some guy less fortunate than them, save lives. Those awesome fathers I hear in meetings all over the country who just want to be dad. They are the guys who deserve this award. The Lifesavers.The dads. It really needs to be broken into little pieces and given to each and every one of them.
You know, I said at the beginning of this year that this would be the year of the father. Dads year, and I firmly believe that's exactly what it's been so far. For the first time in the history of this country dad is being recognised politically as being of real value in his children's lives regardless of divorce or separation. It wasn't there before. Believe me. Finally people are talking of the value of father's in the day to day lives of their children.It wasn't there before. Today the hottest issue on the agenda is the fatherhood issue. Dads are walking a little taller today because of the efforts of many in the field, many politicians, many media people, many mums, dads, grandparents and children who have had enough of such a flawed system.. It's been your combined effort that has us finally sitting at the table discussing the issues with those that make the decisions. Let's not lose sight of that. And let's make that count.
Just a couple of days ago the Attorney General released the Government Reponse to Every Picture tells a story, A new family law system. Take the time to read it. You can download it on www.dadsindistress.asn.au Take the time to write to the Attorney General or your local MP and voice your satisfaction or dissatisfaction. Let them know how you feel about it. If you truly wish for reform in this country then this Government is giving you the opportunity to be a part of that reform. Tell them. This is your opportunity, don't let it pass. Every letter, every email signals 100 votes. So tell them how you feel and please don't send form letters because they don't get read.
Tell them from your heart how you feel. Tell them in your words.
a...@ag.gov.au
or write Attorney-Generals Department Central Office,
Robert Garran Offices,
National Circuit,
Barton,
ACT 2600.
You have never been given a bigger opportunity to reform a system that will deliver dad back to his children, take it............
Tony Miller (DIDS)
- 3440 reads
-
Comments
comment
wake up everyone the law has just been changed.
With the emphasis on parents having shared residential care.
Try again for some more time and spout crap as the courts/solicitors do such as "the best interests of the children"
Tell the court about your greatly improved life situation and why the children need more quality time with you.
Stop focusing on the negatives.
WARNING do not argue with or in front of the court mediator as they relay everything said in mediation to the registrar! This can work against or for you depending on your attitude.
Unfair System or Unfair emotions
We are all aware of the unfairness of the system, whereby it has been established worldwide that mothers are better fit to look after the children, regardless of the father’s position or feelings towards his kids. Fathers in every corner of the world are suffering due to the injustice and prejudice of the system, but what about the only people that really matters after the gives and takes are affected by? Yes, the children, what has been said about their minds and their feelings and their well being? I think that no matter how unfair the system is or the angry mother or their angry relatives are involved, there are consequences that sooner or later will be paid by them, the little ones that in no time will become adults and will proceed to act according their upbringing. Imagine for one second what their thoughts in life will be when they have to relate to other persons.
What are the chances on their own marriages and their relationship with their own little ones? Do you think it will be different? Do you think they won’t be affected by their way on looking at life and people?. I wonder if our sufferings as Dads are worst than their future as family members as parents as fathers or mothers.
The chances are historical, separated parents will have more chances to bring up future separated children and marriage failures, and even though there is little we can do about that, we all get marry thinking this is it, is what life had in store for us and that life couldn’t get any better. The marriage, the house, the kids, growing older with your partner and wait for them to eventually fill up our big old houses with grandchildren , then something happens and the dreams come falling down and the uncertainty starts taking place in our minds and hearts, each one of you takes and makes decisions that are in most cases irrevocable. I heard once that the wrong decision is the last one you take, afterwards the system kicks in and that’s it, you are at the mercy of everybody’s position and your kids more than anyone are also.
What to do?, when to act?, how to react? and thousand of questions come into place and at the same time you try to maintain you image as the one that was correct and nobody can blame you for your mistakes as you supposable never made any, furthermore you are affected financially and that is a strong point for man as they have been brought up as providers, how to tackle all that if all of the sudden there is not a little voice telling you, Love ya Dad!!, or that little voice asking you for something in kid’s language. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD!. What is the reason for living you suddenly start to wonder; everything you have put together for the past few years doesn’t exist or has been changed dramatically. But there mate is biggest quest of the rest of your new life!!!.
The kid’s opinion of you can only be influenced for so long and the strongest language to convince them of something will be your actions, your depressions and broken feeling of lost will only make them worst.
I don’t know what’s worst? to be separated and not been able to see your kids, even though you may only live across the street from them or live in another country and know that its impossible to see them, or been able to see them but they don’t want to!.
Either way is a pain we must endure as men, as the men’s we were when we began putting our lives together and got married and bought the house or when were there present to see our kids come out from their mothers, supporting and encouraging those ladies to give birth, the same man that shook his fathers hand when he said goodbye and wished good luck on your new venture.
A good man will always be a good man, and everybody is entitle to their opinion of what’s right or wrong, but actions speak louder than words, putting your life together again means finding a new partner, establishing a new home and producing your best at work. All of these is not easy, but not impossible you your self know that to conquer a new woman’s heart is only possible if you are in right set of mind. Providing security to your new family will give you the power to overcome the feeling of lost and eventually your kids will look after you as their identity feeling begin to wonder, they will wonder no matter what evil advise they’ve received from your ex. They will wonder and question their existence and what are they related to?. Only you can be the answer and if they see you strong and head of a family they will want to be like you and to be like you is what you want from them, but if you are the opposite, struggling for living, broke, and alone, no good example is there for them isn’t it?? . Be careful the years go by to quick and every action creates a reaction.
So show your love and support by making your self bigger than the system and all the things that now seem so unfair.
Unfair
This is to do with my son, he married a girl from Austra in Austra 2 years ago they had a little boy who is 18mts old now ,they seperated and devoisedjust after the boy was born ,such a shame my wife and I are now Grand parents but we have only seen our grandson in photos and I would say we will never see him the mother has put a complete ban on anyone of our family seeing him .Our daughter and son inlaw flew to Austra to have a week over new year with our son and to spend a little time withour new family member,they were told they could not see the little fellow and not to try again my son had been given visiting writes by the legal systum in Austra to see his son,now this is where it is so stupid he was told HALF an HOUR one day a week and these times were to suit her the mother not the father,neer on every time my son turned up on the day to see his son he was told the little fellow was asleep ,he was not well or some other excuse which was the one most used was you are too late you were to be here at 4 o'clock and it is now 5 minutes after 4and I have put him to bed .It was hard to to be working and to get time off but this is the way my son was told he had to do things, he has put up with this for a long time now and finaly has surcome to pressure from his X and has come home to Australia and is here with us he has not deserted his son, he has just found it to hard to cope with and realy feared he may do some thing he would regret . Just thought some one may like to hear what happens in other places ,these things are vary hard on the dads and just about as hard on grand parents. Posted by Grandfather
Doug Carey Gunalda Qld 4570 Please reply to this it may make us feel better.
from Brisbane
Go to a community organisation like Life Line and ask for a list of free legal clinics in your area. Maybe if you keep asking one day someone will be able to help. Whatever you do, never let the mother of your grandson think you are taking sides against her. She is probably scared of losing her son and may run away if your son pushes too hard. Try to see the situation from your grandson's point of view. He probably doesn't miss you that much and is hopefully happy and well with the maternal side of his family.
His health and happiness is the most inportant thing.
Try writing to his mother and asking for photos and send photos as well. Write letters to him as well. Keep copies of every letter and even if he doesn't get them now one day you can show him proof of how much you care.
Don't feel sorry for yourselves. Help your son in a possitive way.
Do not encourage him to hate the mother of his son, talk about resolving issues without anger.
And do not give up. Maybe if you write to another relative on your grandson's maternal side they could help.
One day you may have other grandchildren. Help your son to stay with the next women he has children with so this separation can not occur again.
Maybe if you wrote directly to the court over there they could make an order about the mother having to give your son medical and school file copies about your grandson.
reply
I feel the name that would be more appropriate would be Dads Against Mums. Just by calling yourselves "Dads" not "parents", you are showing you believe mothers are less inportant in comparison.
Is your intention to reverse the situation and have mothers ostrasized from children?
Why can't everyone stop being selfish and see the situation from the childrens point of view instead of their own?
Big deal! so you got a plaque for helping people, why is it you only have your children part time?
My husband had three nights contact with his children a fortnight after saparation, fought hard in court and is one of the 6% of fathers who have more contact with their child/ren than 2 nights a fortnight. We have 5 nights with both of my step children!
I guess it's because of the flaws in our legal system, not because you don't deserve them more of the time.
If you weren't selfish you wouldn't have had children with someone you didn't want to spend at least 18 years with in the first place.
I feel particularly angry with groups like yours as you make mothers lives difficult.You put our rights at the back of the queue.And also childrens rights to see their mothers are ignored more easily.
I to was separated from my children but as a mother I was ignored in favour of fathers by many organisations.
I was told to leave from a Women's Legal Service in Brisbane when I brought my new husband along as they hate men,but this affected me not my husband.
I have been advised to not bring my husband to the Aboriginal Women's Legal Service either as they don't want their domestic violence victim clients to be distressed. But yet again this affects me, not my husband.
I have been spoken to in a condesending manner by every male solicitor I've met, as I'm a woman, and this was ten times worse as a single mother.
Most don't dare to speak in this insulting way to single or married men.
Many fathers are not really that interested in seeing their children.
My father was one of them, so was my brothers father.
I know of some men who are quite happy to continually complain about their lack of contact with their children yet will not even ring the mothers of their children to attempt contact, let alone put in court applications.
If they can't do this then at least they could get some legal advice or help from Relationships Australia etc.
And yes there are many mothers who don't really want their children either.
I know of a mother who had many services fight to get her son out of fostercare and the minute DOCS withdrew involvement and the court order was expired, the mother moved two hours away(without the child!).The boy hardly sees his mother anymore.
The point I want you to remember is that some people are just not cut out to be parents full time.
And just because they say they care doesn't mean they do. Sometimes they feel pressured into pretending they care!